Beryl Hawkins I challenge you to mortal kombat!

Ok so I have hated teachers before… I hated Ellis… I hated Difred… I think that was it actually I’m not a hard guy to please.

However, my hate for them was nothing to the pure unbridled contempt I hold for Beryl fucking Hawkins. It started out bad today considering our “happenings” were due today. A happening is pretty much performance art times ten. You have the stupid surreal imagery that doesn’t really make any sense plus you get to make the audience a part of the show. Look it up I dare you. Only like three people have really claimed to do happenings. Do you know why? Because everyone else knows that they are the epitome of stup-tarded.

Anyway, Derrick and I are in a group with two other people. One a Japanese guy who is pretty cool and the other is a guy we met in the class who turned out to be pretty cool as well. As you can guess we did not “create” a happening. Actually, it turns out no one made a fucking happening because Beryl can’t fucking teach. Yet she happily accepted the 30 second skits people performed. They weren’t even performance art really… they were just slightly weird. So Derrick and I proceeded to create our happening in the class we have together before what I will from now on refer to as “The Pain” . The idea was we would be spread out across the class room standing still. Whenever someone made eye contact with us we would react with an emotion; surprised, angry, lustful, etc.

Luckily(?) for us though for whatever reason Sean didn’t come to class. Derrick made a joke to me about that should be our happening and before we knew it Derrick had received a fake phone call from Sean and we are performing a fake happening on Monday which Sean will interrupt and I will take it from there.

This is where any semblance of fun curls up into the fetal and proceeds to begin slowly devour itself out of pity. We began our discussion/shitty slide show of the day on and I quote: “This was one of our midterm questions, but we haven’t covered it yet”. The question was something like; “Is the primary objective ofrock music (which somehow actually means all music?) recording or live performance?” So Derrick and I bullshit for a bit just saying kinda random stuff about music.

Me: Live performance. The recording is just the means to an end. Whenever you buy a cd, tape, whatever of a new band or artist and begin to like him/her the first thing you want to do is see them live. It’s almost instinctual. (I only remember this because it was pretty much my answer to the midterm paraphrased.)

Derrick: Random stuff about music industry and how I used to play a lot of shows and have been playing music for along time. (Doesn’t sound flattering here but whatever he actually said was correct.)

So blah blah blah for a little bit and she proceeds to show three generic either Grammy Awards performances or MTV Music Video Award performances one after the other then simply tells us to discuss. At this time its probably important to understand that whenever you answer her questions all she either; A) stares straight at you nods vigorously and says “Uhhuh Uhuh Uhh huh” until a good 30 seconds after you have finished answering the question, or B) the same thing only staring at her computer instead of you. Believe me both are completely unsettling.

About now the question came up “Does listening to a recorded album make you feel like you listening to a performance” By this she meant does listening to a cd or whatever ever make you feel as if you are in a packed stadium or crowded smoky club. No, no it does not. I did however respond with, “Sometimes if I buy a live performance CD.” What I had intended as sarcasm she had taken as sheer genius and was nodding away while I was looking at the floor. I looked up like a minute later and there she was still fucking nodding. Soon this discussion led us to someone in the class saying that “Well, sometimes mp3s have lower quality.”

Beryl responded with total enthusiasm: Oh really!? I don’t know I don’t have mp3.

I assumed the phrase “I don’t have mp3″ was just a talking mistake. I make those quite often I have noticed. However, I shit you not, 5 minutes later the exact words she said were “I don’t listen to records anymore (referring to their higher quality sound) I just use my Ipod.”

You would think that it can’t sink any lower right? Well with 15 minutes left in class she finally moves to her last set of questions. They were

1. How is the media affecting art?

2. Which is the original, the negative, or the picture?

3. Which picture is the original? First, Second, Third?

For whatever reason the first question was basically skipped. The second question is asked.

Me: They’re the same thing… A negative is just the picture in a lesser form?

Beryl: But which is the original?

Me: Neither. A negative is just a step i…

Beryl: But which one is the original? Which is first? If a painter paints a picture and then paints another its a copy.

Me: Actually it would be slightly different and as long as it was painted at around the same time they are both considered to be “originals”?

Beryl: But one has to come first?

Me: No because as time passes the short time between the two pictures becomes meanin…

Beryl: But he painted the first one and then a copy.

Me: No…

Derrick: The artistic term is “originals”. Take Sunflowers for example they are all now considered orignals.

Me: Paintings don’t really relate to the photographs in this. The negative…

Beryl: So the original… (At this point I have to hold up one finger to make her stop interrupting me explaining her own damn topic back to her?

Me: The negative is only a step in the process of creating a picture! Saying the negative is the original picture is like calling an outline or sketch the original drawing!

Beryl: So which picture is first?

Me: What!? (laughter)

Beryl: Which picture, first second third, is the original?

Me: If you are going to stand right at the photo printer the first picture to come out would be? But as time passes the few seconds between each picture becomes meaningless…

Beryl: So which one is the original?

Me: None of them!

At this point we begin to move on I conceded and accepted that she wasn’t going to get it. However not two slides later the person she was attempting to teach us about described an original as being dependent on time and a copy depending on the original. At this point I am so angry that I automatically refute the next words that come out of her mouth which had something to do with some dates involving photography. I responded immediately with, “Actually da Vinci invented the first camera”. Referring to the whole Shroud of Turin theory.

Thank god that after this class was over… A quickly as possible I got up and left the room.

You have to options Ms. Hawkins… You can either accept my challenge to Mortal Kombat… or you can choose to ignore me entirel…

One way or the other… You are going to get kicked in the womb!